My-Improvement.com

I was in my mid twenties when I realized I could redefine my beliefs. Once I saw this was not only possible but necessary, I worked hard at uncovering my beliefs and changing the ones I thought weren’t right for me. One of the beliefs I left behind until recently was my definition of failure.

My original definition of failure was this: not getting something right the first time.

As I look back now it is obvious to me the definition came from how our education system is set up. We go through school where we take tests which determine our competence. It’s basically a one-shot deal to prove your worth. You can either pass or fail. If you pass, you have a grading system that shows how successful you were on that particular test. If you fail, well, that’s it - you get an F.

Even though I did well in school, my big fear was failing a test or even a class. So every test or homework assignment had anxiety of failing attached to it. I carried this throughout college and into my early adult life as well.

As I looked at this definition of failure I could see it was flawed in so many ways. Real life doesn’t work like a test in school. It very rarely requires you to get something right the very first time you do it. As a matter of fact I can’t recall too many things in my life that actually had that requirement.

We can try something, miss our target, and then re-aim if we want. We can hand in a report to our boss, get feedback, change the report and hand it in again. Of course in many circumstances there is a time constraint like a deadline, but if we are dilligent enough we can usually plan some time to review our work.

Since I have such a distaste for failing I figured I might as well define failure in a way that would make it virtually impossible for me to fail. So I defined failure as this:

Failure - to quit without a good reason.

I can’t do it; I’m afraid I’ll look like an idiot; It’s going to take a lot of work; I don’t have the time; I have kids; I’m not in my 20’s - these are all not good reasons to quit.

A good reason is a conscious decision I make that isn’t based on a fear or a self-limiting belief. An example would be if I decided part way into a goal that to do it will require more time than I’m willing to take away from my family at this point in my life. It has to be a conscious choice based on a good solid reason. This eliminates and excuses my mind may try to conjure up. (It’s very skilled at excuse making)

I’ve left room to change course or to stop if I make a decision that the path I am on is no longer a good one. As long as I am heading in the right direction I am not failing. If I don’t quit I can’t fail.

So all obstacles and stumbling blocks become temporary setbacks rather than failure. If Edison can miss his target 2000 times and continue on without quiting or failing I sure can too.

This reframing takes the pressure off me as far as failing is concerned. It also allows me to take chances on things that are difficult and lets me take action without the anxiety of having to get it right the first time. It frees me up to live and express myself more openly.

Learning and changing is a process. It takes time and practice. We all need to allow ourselves that time and practice to learn from the beginner state without worrying about failing.

Stumbling and falling down is a part of that process and it has absolutely nothing to do with failing.